Uzumaki Claus
by Phazon Droid
Summary: Who said Santa Claus didn't know a little ninjutsu? When Naruto accidentally clobbers the man, he has to go and deliver every single gift himself. How can Naruto turn a simple task into something so difficult? And why did Hinata want a thong?


**Phazon:** What started as a half assed idea eventually became…this. I know that there are a lot of Naruto Christmas stories, but I'm not sure if one like this has been done. Just to warn you, some of the characters may seem a bit out of character, but not entirely, so I'll hopefully stay close to their personalities. Oh, and if you don't like rhyming, you're probably not going to like this one, as it doesn't stop except for certain points. The story may also feel a bit cliché, which isn't something I usually want to go for, but, just for this occasion, I'll step out of what I normally would do. Enjoy the Christmas tale!

_Disclaimer:_ Of course I do not own the Naruto characters. They belong to Kishimoto Masashi and him only. All I own is this fan fiction, and that's it, so don't sue!

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Snow had come to Konoha, it was coming nonstop. Much of it had come down, covering the Hokage mountaintop.

White flurry goodness covered all places, while the people of the village slept with smiles on their faces.

…yes, even Sasuke.

Tsunade shut down the village for the holiday season, but she was so full up on sake, she didn't give a reason.

Sakura was in her bed, you could tell from the snoring. After seven hard hours, stalking Sasuke got boring.

The Kyuubi brat was asleep for the night, but something got his attention as he turned on the light.

Naruto quickly jumped out of his bed. "What was that, Gama-chan?" He asked the plush frog sitting comfortably on his head.

"That was too loud for a mouse. There's probably some burglar trying to break into my house."

Technically, Naruto lived in an apartment style…thingy, but no time for that stuff. Naruto wanted to sleep, and enough was enough.

Naruto opened the window and walked up the wall, but the sight before him nearly made him lose his footing and fall.

The man was dressed from head to toe in red and white, but shinobi didn't usually wear colors that were bright.

The fox boy approached one of the reindeer and he began to grin, until one of them turned ferocious and kicked him in his shin.

The man had a large sack and a long white beard, which was fine, because in Konoha, everyone was weird.

This man didn't fly because he couldn't sprout a wing, but look, near the chimney-

"It's his getaway thing!"

Naruto prepared to launch an attack the man would surely feel, but before he made contact, the man made a seal.

"Ninpou…" he whispered as he prepared his attack. If this kid used a projectile, he would send it right back.

"Suiton: Suijinheki!" he yelled as a barrier began to form, but there was no water, so this was out of the norm.

Naruto crashed face first as he began to groan, but he vanished, as it was only a shadow clone.

The real boy was waiting like a thief in the night, waiting for the perfect moment to fight.

So he jumped into the air, without any applause, as Uzumaki Naruto unintentionally kicked…

…you guessed it: Santa Claus.

Minutes later with an ice bag and his thoughts racing, Santa looked to the fox boy as he set to pacing.

"Naruto, you dumbass!" Santa Claus swore, which was a shock, because the bearded man never did that before.

"I was delivering the gifts, just out and about. It's Christmas Eve, dumbass, and now Santa is out. The gifts range from your best friend or neighbor, but now _you'll_ have to do my hard labor."

Naruto was _not_ about to lose more hours of sleep, doing a mundane chore for this fat old freak.

"Traveling around the world in a night? That doesn't sound too good. Will I have enough time to try different types of food?"

"It's the satisfaction of seeing children smile when they get out of bed, now get to work before I throttle your fat head!"

Now Naruto always stood out with orange and yellow, but did so more with red. Santa's red hat took the shape of Naruto's head.

The fox boy hopped onto the sled and flew off into the night…never getting the reindeer names right.

"Go…darker one…go second in line guy…go…the one giving me that stare. Memorizing all of them in one night, this isn't fair!"

Naruto took a minute to look at the list, seeing people from villages such as the Leaf or Mist.

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Shizune got new underwear and had no remorse, so she'll have on clean panties when womanhood takes its course.

Shizune held the panties up and danced with glee, until Tsunade punched her, sending her into the tree.

"YOU PROMISED ME NO MORE PANTIES!! YOU'VE GOT A GOOD HUNDRED ALREADY!!"

The apprentice groaned as she rubbed the large bump, she was glad Tsunade hadn't planted her foot in her rump.

There was a new supply of food for Tonton, their pig, while Tsunade herself got a brand new wig.

"With having to do this transformation jutsu over and over again, my hair will keep on thinning until I go bald…but when?"

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Glad that he'd gotten them out of the way, Naruto rushed back up and onto the sleigh.

"Ha! Sakura-chan's next!" The impersonator exclaimed. He hoped he could one up that Uchiha boy who shall not be named.

Naruto grunted as he made his way down the chimney. Too bad he wasn't short like Konohamaru or even Gimli.

The blonde landed with a thump, he didn't use chakra to break his fall. But Sakura was sound asleep; she'd heard nothing at all.

The pink haired shinobi left out cookies and milk as she slept so soundly beneath her sheets made of silk.

Now Sakura wasn't stupid, she didn't believe in tall tales. And the story of a man coming into her home in the middle of the night made her go pale.

Naruto delivered her gift: a bright red corset, so she'd be sure to seduce Sasuke the next time they met. He then drank down the milk and devoured every cookie, but to leave them there without a trap made Sakura seem like a rookie.

He paused, seeing if this was one of Sakura's tests, but his focus was diverted when he saw the shape of her breasts.

"It'd be so easy just to lick 'em. That would be nice." Naruto said, sounding just like the writer of _Icha Icha Paradise_.

But that would equal a swift kick in the groin, and Naruto didn't need any more pain within his loins.

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Uchiha Sasuke slept with a kunai under his bed, wishing he could put it straight through his brother's head. His wish, if he had one, would be jutsus on a scroll, and then he'd be one step closer to achieving his goal.

But Uchiha Sasuke didn't have such a wish, so why did he leave some cookies out on a clean dish?

I'm not touching that one.

Naruto landed with a plop as he opened the bag. Getting _this_ guy's gift messed up would be a real drag. But surprisingly, there was no gift for the Uchiha with the black hair, so Naruto searched for a gift, _any_ gift, he didn't care.

A purple vibrator that read 'Sweet Sweet Mama' would be sure to cause Sasuke a large wave of drama. Cautiously and carefully, Naruto set it on the chair, then left in a rush and returned to the air.

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Naruto now hated the suit he had worn. Next up was Hatake Kakashi, whose gift was definitely porn.

"What a fucking pervert," Naruto muttered, glad that no one had heard what he just uttered.

Kakashi lay wide awake in his bed, as he couldn't get to sleep with Mitarashi Anko tapping his head.

"Come on Kakashi, lay it on me thick," she said seductively, anxiously waiting for him to show his…well, ya know.

"You're always complaining that I go too fast, because when we go on forever, you usually don't last."

Kakashi blinked. "Why did I just rhyme?"

"Omph" was the sound Naruto made when he came, coming face to face with Kakashi and his dame.

"Oi, Sensei, I got you your gift." He looked to Anko. "Just don't let her give you a VD, if you get my drift."

Naruto never saw Anko throw the frying pans, his eyes turned into swirls as the bag of gifts left his hands.

Anko searched the bag and squealed like a little girl, but unlike most sacks, this one had no rubies or pearls.

"What is this crap?" She asked with a scowl. She didn't see a gift with her name, so she went on the prowl. Grabbing the fox boy by his collar, she looked in his eyes and began to holler.

"I specifically asked for a purple vibrator, and I want it now, not tomorrow and not later!"

"It's at Sasuke's place," Naruto said, knowing that if he lied to Anko, he would soon be dead.

Meanwhile, Kakashi was absorbed in his book. Naruto could tell by his sensei's dirty look.

Back in the sleigh, Naruto continued across the village, trying not to seem like he came to plunder and pillage.

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Nara Shikamaru got nothing, as he was too lazy to write. For a guy with a high IQ, the Chuunin isn't very bright.

For Yamanaka Ino, who insisted she was fat-

Naruto enters her home and opens the sack.

-she wanted a training video and an exercise mat.

Unfortunately for her, Naruto got her gift wrong, so while Hinata got her gift, Ino got a turquoise colored thong.

"Frankly, Ino could use it after the…incident," Naruto said, as he tried to get that image of Ino out of his head.

Chouji was the next person Naruto would be meeting. At this time of night, Naruto wouldn't be surprised if Chouji was still eating.

But there he lay asleep with some crumbs on his lips. Naruto didn't even need to see the discarded bag of potato chips.

What the oversized shinobi wanted was a pony full of food, but while Naruto could understand the grub, the pony would do no good.

"Unless he's into eating pony."

Naruto set the pony by the corner of the bed, ready to see which person lay ahead.

At least, not before he called Chouji a fatass and ran.

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Then there was Lee-san, who was always yapping about youth. He got some braces and a retainer after Gai had punched in more than one tooth.

Rather than ponder this, Naruto looked to see who was next, but he was surprised that, even at night, Lee slept in that suit of green spandex.

After awhile, Naruto wanted to relax…until he saw Tenten's name and saw she wished for a scroll and an ax.

"Doesn't she have enough weapons?" Naruto said as he brought in the tools. Tenten had asked for something _violent_ as opposed to clothes or jewels.

Neji's gift was strange, though; he wished for a bike. But the Hyuuga was so versatile and he would usually hike.

"I'd rather not know," Naruto said as he adjusted his red cap. He did _not_ want to imagine Neji asking for a bike while on Santa's lap.

Dear Kami; that gave him chills.

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Kiba usually smelled, so Naruto thought he wished for cologne. But surprisingly, the dog lover had asked…for a bone.

"For him or the _dog_?" Naruto laughed with delight until it was cut short by the glow of a light.

"WHO'S THERE? DID YOU BREAK THROUGH THE GLASS? GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I STICK MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS!!!"

Kiba's mom was _not_ a nice lady.

At the next house, Naruto looked through the bag while on his knees. He took out the bottle of ointment which would help Shino with his fleas.

"That's what you get for being a bug boy, you weirdo," Naruto chuckled.

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Breaking through the window, Naruto saw Konohamaru sleeping. After perfecting the Oiroke no Jutsu, Naruto was sure the little pervert would be peeping.

But Konohamaru wanted no gift and though Naruto was no mind reader, he knew Konohamaru's only dream was like his: to become Konoha's great leader.

"Over my dead Kage Bunshin he will before me."

Hopping back into the sleigh, Naruto made a fist. The next people were located in the Hidden Village of the Mist.

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With the holidays coming, Momochi Zabuza wasn't exactly thrilled, at least, not since all those kids in his class that he had killed.

Unfortunately, he'd recently broken his sword, and Haku wasn't about to let him go kill someone for what he couldn't afford.

Naruto to the rescue, wielding the huge blade. He was surprised at how much it weighed.

Haku's gender was something Naruto didn't know, so he left Haku a pair of panties that were as white as snow.

"If that were a guy, where are the hairy feet and the bulge in his pants?"

Naruto felt that the bag was getting lighter. He hated being a delivery boy more than being a fighter.

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The Suna no Shinobi always lived around sand, yet snow even reached this village which was normally bland.

Kankuro and Temari were knocked out after a lengthy feast, as the only one awake was the host of the one tailed beast. While Kankuro was lazy and Temari was a slob, being the Kazekage was a very grueling job.

As Gaara set to pacing in his room, he sensed another presence- that he needn't assume.

"What do you want Naruto?" Gaara asked the blonde, who was so shocked when he was noticed that he couldn't respond.

"Erm…I came to drop off gifts for your relatives in bed, so I'll just drop them off--"

"Enter my sister's room and you're dead."

Gaara could be a bit overprotective at times, killing any potential deviant for their sexual crimes.

If Gaara weren't around, Temari would've have taken any man. But to settle it, this year she asked for a brand new fan.

Naruto grunted and strained as he brought in the heavy thing, that large, clunky fan that Temari was sure Santa would bring.

"And you know what they say about girls with big fans that hurt," Naruto muttered as he eyed Temari's voluptuous body. "It means they've got big boobies underneath a tight shirt."

But Naruto realized this was no time to joke, as a mouthful of sand would be enough to make him choke. He exited through the window before Gaara could kill, being careful so the bag of toys wouldn't spill.

Opening the window slowly and careful that he wouldn't fall, Naruto took out Kankuro's gift…a fuzzy pink doll.

Kankuro was asleep in his uniform, sucking his thumb. Naruto thought the entire spectacle looked just a bit dumb.

"What a weirdo. Why didn't he wish for a rag so he could get rid of that paint on his face?"

Then Naruto saw a fuzzy _blue_ doll that Kankuro had chosen to embrace.

The blonde snorted, deciding to give the puppet master a gun. He set it by the bed, glad that his work in Suna was done.

"Give him the right gift," Gaara said from behind, meaning Naruto knew there was a certain doll he had to find.

_How the hell did he get in here_? Naruto thought, not wanting to remember the last time he and Gaara fought.

Nonetheless, Naruto took out the toy fit for a girl. The image of Kankuro smiling with a pink doll made Naruto want to hurl.

"Kankuro is a bit…lonely," Gaara explained, saying that Kankuro collected dolls to keep himself entertained.

"But he's got his puppets!" Naruto shot back, walking forward as he picked up the sack.

"Just get out," Gaara said. "It's getting pretty late. Leave before Temari wakes up or it will be all--"

"**_GAAAAAAAAAAAARRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!_**

"…too late," Naruto finished.

Temari didn't like to be disturbed during her slumber. She was ready to kill once she'd been woken up past a certain number.

And that number was one.

The blonde kunoichi stormed in, her hair was in a wreck. Naruto was glad to see that her breasts were still in check.

"What's that idiot doing here at this time of night?!" She yelled, ready to throw Naruto out with all of her might.

"Here, take a freebie," Naruto said, throwing Temari a box that hit her square in the head.

"Well, I'm off," he said as he jumped into the sleigh, leaving the kunoichi and Kazekage as he flew up and away.

Temari, in her nightgown, was fit for no prom. She opened the box…and was surprised to find a bomb.

"Boom…" Naruto whispered.

And boom was what had happened as the explosion was heard all over the place. Though Gaara was protected by his sand, Temari was left…with soot all over her face.

And Kankuro? Well, he was still asleep.

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There was one place that Naruto didn't want to be around, and that was…the Hidden Village of the Sound.

Kabuto got new medical equipment, the Sound Four matching rings…and a massive lump of coal for the evil snake king.

Naruto chuckled weakly, his hand on the back of his head. "Erm…sorry, Orochimaru, just following orders."

Tayuya was admiring her ring in all of its glory, until she got fed up and said-

"**STOP THE RHYMES!! WHO'S IN CHARGE OF THIS STORY?!?!?!"**

…Let's move on.

"**NO! GET BACK HERE AND LET ME KICK YOUR ASS!!"**

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Uzumaki Naruto had _thought_ he circled the entire globe that evening, trying to figure out just what the hell kind of gift he was leaving.

For agreeing to this deal, Naruto felt like a jerk.

"Why is Santa such a fatass? This job is hard work!!"

He paused…

"AND WHY DO I KEEP RHYMING?!?!?!"

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As for the Akatsuki…well, Naruto didn't even know where the hell they were located.

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Now the index of people was something Naruto wanted to resist, but he was overjoyed when he saw there were no more names on the list.

In his rush to deliver gifts, Naruto had moved just a bit _too_ swift.

"I promised something for Hinata-chan, but someone else got her gift!"

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Back in Konoha, Tsunade was ticked, you didn't have to guess. 'From your sweet Naruto-kun' was on the card attached to the dress.

"YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH NARUTO…A GENIN…A YOUNG BOY!! SHIZUNE, HOW COULD YOU…YOU-"

The Godaime Hokage was more than pissed as she raised her arm, clenching her fist.

"But Tsunade-sama, I-"

Before Shizune could say what needed to be said, the wrath of the Hokage came crashing down upon her head.

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Santa had since healed the wound on his head. He used medical jutsu and was now waiting for his sled.

The moment came when the sleigh landed on top of the snow, but Naruto was so depressed, he didn't say hello.

"What's wrong, Naruto?" Santa asked the boy.

"Someone else got Hinata's gift that she won't be able to enjoy. Oh, great, what a bummer. This is a pretty crappy night."

For Naruto to give up, that just wasn't right.

"Count your blessings, Naruto, for there are many to name. Be it the gifts you delivered to known and unknown, their reaction is all the same. For 'tis the season to spread Christmas cheer, and what you did tonight, Naruto-kun, was entirely sincere. You delivered gifts to many as you flew through the sky. Doesn't that make you feel good?"

Naruto blinked. "Are you high?"

A punch to the face sent Naruto towards the ground, while Santa got in his sleigh, homeward bound.

"Wait a second," Naruto cried, "where did you learn that ninjutsu?"

"Oh," he replied, "I'm a master of that as well as taijutsu _and_ genjutsu."

Did you _really_ expect a clever rhyme for a word like ninjutsu?

From that punch, Naruto was feeling a bit unstable, until Santa said-

"I left something for you on your table."

With that, Santa whisked off into the sky, whilst Naruto went to see what his gift was, never even saying goodbye.

He smiled with unspeakable joy when he saw the gift from the man who was quite large. It was a lifetime supply of his favorite food, completely free of charge.

Near one of the boxes was a small note, which Naruto thought Santa had used as a chance to gloat.

While the note didn't fill Naruto up with holiday cheer-

"Merry Christmas, you dumbass," Santa said at the window in his sleigh, "I'll get you back for that kick on next year."

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Some people got small gifts, and others were greater. Sasuke, wondered, why he had a vibrator.

Shizune was out cold, she felt very dizzy. Tsunade got to work, being the Hokage meant she was always busy.

Kiba got his bone and Shino got his cream, while Shikamaru got nothing, he was still off in some dream.

Sakura got her corset and Tenten got an ax, and with Chouji getting food, he couldn't just sit down and relax.

With his braces and retainer, Lee couldn't fight in combat. Meanwhile, Hinata got to work on her new exercise mat.

While it wasn't what she wanted, the thong Ino did like, while Neji got some exercise on hi brand new bike.

Kakashi had his magazines and got to relax, coaxing Anko to continually feed him snacks.

Haku was outraged as he threw the panties into the air, but Zabuza was so busy with his new sword that he didn't his partner's despair.

The bomb that Naruto left caused the Suna mansion to fall, and while Temari and Gaara cleaned, Kankuro began dressing his new doll.

Kabuto and the Sound Four were hiding due to Orochimaru's lack of control, as the snake king went crazy when he had that lump of coal.

Still…no one ever figured out where the hell the Akatsuki was.

Later, Naruto and Hinata enjoyed bowls of ramen on that Christmas day. Unlike most times when she was near him, Hinata's fear had gone away.

The blonde shinobi felt proud and knew he had done no wrong. But still, he just _had_ to pop the question-

"Hinata, why on that list did it say you wanted a thong?"

Hinata began coughing violently.

Seasons greetings and happy holidays.

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**Phazon:** This is probably one of the longest things I've ever done and probably is the longest one shot thus far. I didn't think it would grow to be this long, but one thing led to another, and even though I didn't include _everyone_ in the Naruto universe, I hoped I covered the essentials. I'm glad, however, to be out of the rhyming phase, as that was beginning to get…well, quite annoying.

Oh, and by the way, Ninpou: Suiton: Suijinheki is, for those who don't know or aren't that far in the manga and/or anime, is simply Ninja Art: Water Style: Water Wall, which is something that Kisame (a member of Akatsuki, for those who don't know) used.

When I first did this, I thought it was just some half assed idea that wouldn't make much of an impact, and seeing as there is a large amount of Naruto fan fictions, I wouldn't be surprised if this didn't get any reviews, but hey, I did this because I had Naruto on the brain during the days leading up to Christmas- that and I've been keeping up with the current Akatsuki battle in the manga. I wish you all a happy holiday, be it through reading Christmas fan fiction or spending time with your folks and I hope you all enjoyed the fan fiction. I'd like reviews, but I'm not gonna beg, so disregard that.

Happy holidays, fellow authors!


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